So play the game "existence" to the end

oh god I wish it were that simple...

Sun, 12 Nov 2006 10:04:29 GMT

So it's been more than a little while..

updates you say? yes i'm a lazy shit head who has had so much personal shyte to deal with she hasnt bothered updating.

So in summary over the last 2 months I have:

* Turned 19
* Had 2 car accidents (neither my fault)
* Cried myself to sleep almost every night
* Got a full time job i hate but am amazing at
* Lost all sense of direction in life
* Fallen into a giant pit of confusion
* Suffered internal bleeding (been to hospital)
* Had my drink spiked

So as you can see it's been a rough one, but thats life.

You get to a point where you have to give up... or at least move on... you spend four months convincing yourself to do this, finally you get up the courage, meet the right person to help you and start doing it...

Then all your dreams from before, something you spent 6 months fighting with your life for comes true... and brings your whole slowly improving world crashing back down to the depressing and confusing mess it was before, only with new more intense complications.

So you were once so ready to settle down - devote your life to something/someone, the whole world infront of you... but maybe that something/someone wasn't quite ready for you... so you started losing direction, you waited for them, but you were getting left behind by life, you'd already failed uni and quit, you hated your job and started losing sight of reasons to live... bed seemed like a much more interesting place than anywhere else... you'd lived like that for 5 months, it was only two more till your birthday and you knew you couldn't go another year feeling/living this way so you resolve to move on before your birthday...

Turning 19 is easy, turning away wasn't but you start anyway... you knew you'd have to one day... but suddenly what you wanted, waited for, begged for is ready for you...

Yeah, exciting, yeah thrilling and a relief but at the same time... you feel too far away... too battered and bruised, you are nursing some hard core injuries and forever suddenly seems like a really long time.

I still dream about that future, i still beg for it and cry about it... but i can't sign up for forever at 19...

I also know i can't end that love... ever...

one day it will happen... I hope it's soon but i can't rush time, it slows and hastens as it wishes...

Catch up

Tue, 29 Aug 2006 07:16:02 GMT

So I've been hybernating....

I've had lots to hide from and much to do.

I saw the Strokes, You Am I, Arctic Monkeys and Eskimo Joe since I last updated, first two were rocking last two were ok.. not stella but ok..You've probvably read everyone elses reviews so i'll skip that.

I haven't met anyone new worth talking to for ages... all the guys I meet want only one thing and all the girls I meet dont want to talk to another girl... I go to the wrong places...

Maybe my break from livejournal should have been permanent....

Tell me something definite about me, about you, about someone you know? I need definite. I need to KNOW, without question or confusion, something...

Tue, 18 Jul 2006 06:49:20 GMT

I feel like I've been far away from everything lately...

But I guess some things are starting to finally fall into place.....
*I know what I'm doing about Uni, I'm going to start this semester and see how it is, if I still hate it and find I actually hate THE COURSE, not just the study part, I'll quit, if I just hate the study I'll defer, if I like it all, i'll stay... logical really huh?
*I saw my friends again last friday night... It was really really nice... comfy, familiar... and yet new and different, a little painful but real....strange combo but oddly it worked for what it was.

Naturally life still has it's challenges also;

I don't know how to help my friends at the moment, so many of them are facing hurdles, but I'm so wrapped up in my own little world of problems at the moment that I just can't seem to be of any help which is horrible. I am generally the listener and the advice giver, I guess my inability to play this role successfully at the moment is leaving me feel a little useless.

On top of that I'm stuck in an in between world which is making me sick. I can't move on and I can't go back... 'I'm stuck in the middle with you' and it's not my choice... It surely should become easier with time, thats what everyone tells me, but it seems like I just become more desperate to get back home as time goes past... the longer I'm away from it, the more I want it... I must be a backwards creature....

'As quick as it comes it goes....
As quick as it is, it isn't....
Life is a transient'

But in the end it will all work out, wont it?

Confused?

Sun, 09 Jul 2006 10:05:50 GMT

Well, for something I looked forward to, Ballarat was SHIT. I spent most of it blind... the other half I spent on the bench... The nights were depressing and enraging and I couldnt even run it off during the days... I can't stand the politics of life. (It's all about who you know, not how good you are.)

I am so confused at the moment...

I can't turn away. I was stupid enough to make that mistake once, but I wont EVER do that again. I can't...

I'm getting sick. I'm neglecting myself, I don't know why... I lack motivation... why bother goes through my head most of the time. I havent worked in a week and a half, I havent eaten properly in months... The only thing I am doing well at is netball, but while my body is shutting down that wont last long. I can't sleep...I struggle to breathe, I can't think and half the time I struggle to get out of bed... What's wrong with me?

I promise to have a happier post next time... to brighten this one up, I've found the perfect picture addition for my room. It's marilyn and beautiful... that woman was amazing. She had her heart broken every day and she was still beautiful and inspiring to many... it may have destroyed her, but she was still a very courageous woman.

Patient = ~dandy_dead~

Tue, 27 Jun 2006 11:51:39 GMT

So you've all read my teen angst. My excitement, My love, My heartbreak... So this is what Blogs are about? They're pretty extrodinary really. Sharing thoughts and feelings with a world of people you have never met, and most of the time, those are thoughts and feelings you would never have shared with any of your close friends.

Well.. I've faced the heartbreak, it still hurts but you live through it (maybe?). And you get on with your freaking life (eventually??). So here I am existing (mostly...).

On a different note, I have several updates since my last entry:

I'm going away....To Ballarat, to play lots of netball in minimal outfits

click here to see awful creations: --------> http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v507/dandy_illusions/bodysuits.gif

Also to drink maximum amount of alchol possible without puking and to meet lots of lov-er-ly Uni people. (Maybe even a stupid Uni Football playing Jock [haha... me and a jock PFFT]...)

So far there are five parties planned, all of which have themes, thus I am appealling to you lov-er-ly people to help me pick costumes.

The themes are:

1. Traffic Light Party (I'm going in orange, [green= desperate])
2. Op Shop Party (oh the possibilities)
3. Back to School Party (I already have a very nice playboy-esque outfit for this one (haha)... oh my.)
4. Survivers

So, what do you think people? Give me some ideas, I'm particularly interested in what you think about the op shop party - which way do i go? Bogan/Bum or 80's schick?

I also want to reflect on the amazing effort by the Socceroos over the World Cup. What legends... and to say that I think Guus deserves the honorary title of 'Australian'. They played so well and demonstrated such sportsmanship, even though we got some absolutely SHOCKING refereeing.
So good on ya Aussies!!!

the love story 22-12-04 to 29-05-06

Mon, 29 May 2006 08:58:23 GMT

Below in the undercut is the whole record of my one true love... thats right, at 18 I was fortunate enough to meet the guy I was meant to be with... I found out why these things arent meant to happen at 18... below is the whole story, abbreviated, and some details omitted...

This may be my last journal entry for awhile.

19-12-2004

Boy travels to lilydale to meet girl...
I was so nervous I couldnt even look at him in the eyes... I also was painfully aware that I might lose a friendship over anything that happned. I'd had a crush on the personality of this guy for about 3 months before I actually met him. (we started talking on LJ and msn) We ended up in his car and he grabbed my hand... that was one of the best moments of my life (until then) I felt butterflies all through me. We ended up kissing (may I mention a very awkward kiss - must have been one of the worse first kisses in the hsitory of anything but it was for some reason still amazing to me.) That night we camped in a tent at the lilydale lake.. (hehe) the next mornign its a quick macca's breakfast and then he dropped me home.

20-12-2004
I got a text message which I still have to this day which read "So i think you're wnderful, i hope we can catch up again really soon. xhug" I ran around the house singing for the rest of the day.

22-12-2004
I made my way to Hallam (driving as an L-plater) and got VERY lost.) That was one of the most nerve-racking days of my life... I felt like I was on trial. I met the whole family, listened to awesome music and just hung out talking with the most incredible guy I had ever met for about 6 horus that day. (I was also late for my 10pm curfew due to a stop at macca's for late night ice-cream). I remember both of us heard the song American Pie after he had dropped me off that night, a coincidence only he will understand. I was so happy... I knew it would be easy for me to fall in love with this one.

25-12-2005
Even though it was onyl three days after we started going out, he came and met my whole family at christmas lunch. Then stayed over, i was so terrefied that after meeting my family he'd run away and dump me... (you'd understand if you knew them) But he meet all of them, endured the questions, the tackles and the stupidity and still saw me again...

So in that next month I managed to everything you shouldnt while starting to date someone, I broke his nose twice and got him a police fine (I sent him down the bus lane instead of the turning lane) and yet both of us were still completely infatuated with eachother. We went to the beach, he left for falls over new years, i went to phillip island, we texted eachother every day, I used to sit on the beach (the only place i got reception) and wait for hours for him to text me.After falls we hung out heaps, I was staying at my uncles and yet he still drove out almost everyday to see me. (I was already in love with him) he baught me a bag at falls, god I loved that bag. i was so speechless at the time, I think he thought I hated it... I used to go to sleep with it under my pillow while listening to turin brakes.... teenage girls in love...One day we met in the city and I took him to my favourite hide out, somewhere I've onyl ever shown two people. he told me he loved me... I can still remember how happy I was to hear him say that... I was on air, my heart felt liek it was going to jump right out of my body.

14-2-2005
This is a day I am sure I will never forget... It was the most beautiful experience of my life and one of the reasons I am sure I will never stop loving him. I spent hours getting ready for dinner, i straightened and curled my hair and borrowed outfits from all my friends, god I am such a teenage girl... yep... I did the girl thing.. called in reinforcements. I'm glad I made the effort. It was worth it.

For the next few months everything was peachy.every wednesday I finished at 12 so I'd go into the city and meet him after his tafe class, then he'd come back to my house to hang out before catching teh last bus home to his house. We caught up every weekend, did random things like walk around the whole carribean market holding hands and smiling at eachother, buying random trinkets, taking funny photos.. just doing the couple thing.

27-8-2005
His birthday, I saved everything i was earning for five weeks and got my friends in t help me a buy him a car stereo after his was stolen. His party was fun too, just hanging out his mates and mine, havign a good time and a few laughs... good fun.

September 2005
My formal, I guess this was the first fight we ever had, but it didnt matter, we sorted it all out, we had a cry, got upset then hugged and madeup. I could never stay angry at him... he's too cute. It was also during this time we hosted my youngest cousin's party... (what a trial) he had an accident that morning, and we spent most of the night after the party crying and hugging eachother.... ( I remember being terrified by the thought of how close I came to losing him)

20-10-2005
I turned 18. I guess this was a big turning point for us. When you turn 18 everythign changes, the world opens up to you and everythign turns on it's head. I still loved him though, we had fun at my party... just bumming around..

14-11-2005
I got my licence. This is where the changes began. on that day I was so excited, the first place I drove was straight to his house. We hung out for the hour I had to spare in between my new responsibilities then i jetted off. getting my licence set a new kind of relationship... I was no longer dependent on him for transport and he no longer had to drive so much to see me. It was a good thing for us for the first few months...

December 2005

3rd(?) We saw Oasis (both our favourite band) live. were on front row right infront of noel. He protected me from corwd crushing... I held him to the front of the stage... We both cried and sang and laughed and loved... I'll never forget it. It was our year anniversary present to eachother.

22-12-2005
Our year anniversary. We went back to the place we met, lazed beside the lake we had our first kiss at, joked about camping there, ate indian and just did the normal couple thing. another day i know I will never forget.

25-12-2005
We spent christmas together again, like we had the year before. did the family thing. had a bit of fun there. I baught him Oasis Morning Glory on Vinyl and he baught me my falls and big day out tickets.

Janurary 2006
I'd had my valedictory ball, (he wasnt allowed to come :( ) and finished year 12... but by this time i was utterly lost as to who I was anymore. I couldnt be the 17 year old I was, everything had changed... I couldnt be the 18 year old I was meant to be... i wasnt ready... I loved him, we were talkign forever, and I wanted to be sure that i could onyl ever want him for the rest of my life. So, foolishly, i asked for a break... we went on a break.

14-2-2006
Our break didnt work, i couldnt do anything, he wasnt the type to do breaks, I wish i hadnt been either lookign back. We were both all or nothing, and i wasnt entirely sure of who I was let alone how much of me i could give. So I broke up with him. It was the hardest decision I had ever made, and I cried about it for months. But I had to be sure not only for his sake but for mine too. When I left i told him I'd be back and we both promised to wait... to be there for eachother when we got back... i should of known how that would affect both of us.

April 2006
he had an accident, and I wanted so badly to get back together. I saw him as soon as I could the day of the accident and I stayed at his house, I just wanted to hold him to make sure he was still there, and that i hadn't lost him. i should have taken him back then, It was a warning I should have seen. I couldnt though, we were fighting, we were fighting because I was lookign for the bad things, nto intentionally but I was looking so hard at the relationship to make sure it would work, that all i started to see were the imperfections, imperfections which had always been there, but never mattered. i wanted so desperately to go back to him saying I know everythign will work out, we'll be together forever that I checked for every little problem... I stopped seeing the broader picture.

May 2006

he met a girl, a girl he liked... i knew it would happen, btu i had to make sure there was nothign that would stop us being perfect when we got back together. I started hating myself for beign so pedantic... then I started hating everythign and one around me cause I couldn't like myself. i started hurting myself, running into walls, getting sick, hitting my head... I called him to ask him back out, but didnt know how... we ended up in a huge fight...

22-5-2006
We met up, we'd had a fight three days earlier, a big one, mainly cause I couldnt work out how to tell him i needed him back... i couldnt live without him... so i decided it was time to do it... i told him, in tears how much I loved hims till, how stupid I'd been and how much i wanted it all back... he didnt know what to say... three months is a long time apart... I knew it too, it was a long time, but I was so sure that we could work now, that i didnt care how long it had been i knew i wanted him forever.... and I thought he wanted me too...

I saw him heaps over the next week. I was doing everythign i could to show him we could work... We could be perfect, together and happy again...

29-05-2006
We met up again... I kind of suspected something was off but i wasnt sure what... he wouldnt hug me properlly and I dunno it was just really strange... he told me he didnt love me like that anymore... the spark was gone.. I broke down... how can i live without him? I still dont know. How can I do anythign without him? I'm meant to be with him... I'm meant to be with him forever, he's meant to marry me... I've been crying since 1:30pm... I don't know that it will stop, we both cried... and he walked away... he turned and walked away from me... from us.. from a year and a half of true perfect love... I couldnt think, i just wanted to die, I got in my car and drove around at 150km for a while... just anywhere, I don't even remember driving really... i don't know how I got home... but I did...

I hope like anythign he'll change his mind but i dont think it will happen. the words 'it's done' are still echoing in my head... i can't stop crying.

I thought that love was prevailing, it always won out? well, heres a real love story for you... ended in tears and pain... I've lost the best thign that ever happened to me and I'll never live fully again... I'm just a shell now, I dont really have anything left inside. My heart is ripped out. Gone. I'll always love him as I do now.

Sat, 27 May 2006 08:01:55 GMT

So I can't stop crying.

I feel so pathetic.

broken hearted dreams crashing to the floor

Sat, 20 May 2006 09:16:11 GMT

I'm lying in my bed heart broken as my dreams come crashing down around me...

I might have made the worst mistake of my life...

The song 'love is all you need' must be very wrong, I don't want to give up.

Dont give up? Please? Lets fix this... make it the way it was??

Sun, 07 May 2006 01:57:10 GMT

have you ever felt like there's something intrinsically wrong with you?
A fault at your very core that permeates everything you do, feel and say?

I feel like that at the moment. I can't do anything right at the moment, there's something very wrong with me...
I don't know exactly what it is, only that it changes and affects everything i am.
I feel like nothing and no one can fix me, that I will carry this fault, this problem forever...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am still hating Uni. it's not the course, I like the course, I just dont want to do the work. I can't get motivated. I am not usually so flippent with my money, but I just can't care at the moment. I'm also getting sick alot at the moment. For the last three or so months I've been picking up every sickness going around.
it makes me worry that I may have or be getting Glandular Fever.

I can't afford that.

Sun, 23 Apr 2006 10:30:25 GMT

So I want to be a journalist (like the sexy lady above).

But I don't want to do the work. (typical teenager).

I hate my course, because, after year 12, i'm over work (all ex- or current year 12's understand this).

I am defering my second semester. To live like a slob.

YAY!

So from june on, i am a free agent, and if anyone feels like breaking up my useless slobbish day, give me a call and i'll meet you for a drink and a snack!

Love and life

Wed, 19 Apr 2006 02:30:26 GMT

F*** her then for all i care anymore.

Maybe you're just trying to get back at me... make me realise what I'm missing? well screw you for that too. I never deliberately hurt you. And that is exactly what you are doing. ~~I wish I could hate you.~~

Pain is something I can deal with, what I can't deal with is that you of all people would try and hurt me. Maybe not entirely consciously but last night I realised you were TRYING to make me realise what life's like without you - when i can't have you. Well you know what?

SCREW THAT, SCREW LIFE, Screw you.

I hate this place, it's no place for me. I'm a happy person. I can believe it if I say it enough. I thought you would never change. I was so wrong. both of us have changed soo much. I just never thought you would change when it came to me. Selfish huh? I need to remeber I'm not anything/one special, just another human walking the earth, by no means the prettiest, most unique or even unusual. I'll remember my place in the future. Hows that for letting you know how I feel?

oh... and yes... i'm hurt but no I am not angry, I'm stung.

last night I was a pixie on the pixie drink...

Sun, 09 Apr 2006 01:48:31 GMT

Last night I had Roach's 18th, it was fun fun fun fun!!!

It had 'P' theme, and I fully embraced it dressing as a (a very naughty pixie)... I had hoped to look

but that just didnt happen (plus those stripper shoes are SO not me...) I ended up wearing a pixie skirt that sat flat and a pink and black laced corset shaped top with fishnets and black knee high boots. I do not usually embrace such a naughty or provocative dress style, but what can i say, i wanted to have a bit of fun for once... and it got me 5 dollars off my alcohol!!

I am not looking forward to the photos coming from the party... not at all (ergh) because, well lets just say that the rumours about the green pixie drink...

and the absinthe pixie ...

are TRUE...

On this day...

Tue, 28 Mar 2006 03:57:05 GMT

On this day in 1951, my beautiful idol was a presenter at The Academy Awards....

What a beautiful woman, who lived too short a life. How many beautiful people die too young? John Lennon, Marilyn Monroe, Elvis, Kurt Cobain...

What would one day in their lives be like? some how I think these beautiful people had troubled lives... more troubled than any of us could imagine.

Maybe a day in their lives is more than any of us could bear...

So here's a tear for Marilyn Monroe, who looked for love in all the wrong places.
And here's a tear for Norma Jeane, forced into oblivion.

Commonwealth rant.

Thu, 16 Mar 2006 00:06:25 GMT

Did anyone else find the games opening slightly absurd?

The commonwealth flag was carried in as though it were a coffin (although with the state of the world, the commonwealth may as well be dead), there was a giant flying tram and they had bllody Ron Barassi walking on bloody water like he was Jesus!

What is our country trying to say to the rest of the world? It seemed like we were indicating the fact that footballers are gods in our country, which if I may say so is SAD and disappointing, if those are the people we all aspire to be the country and the world may as well go to Sh*t.

For goodness sake. We need to take a look at how we've presented ourselves. (we didnt even have one mention of beer or farms or anything which points to our traditional (and EXTREMELY CLICHE) Yobbo population, shouldnt they be celebrated too?!)

Other than those stupidities though, the ceremony was really cool, especially the aerial views displaying the changing colors (i even thought at one stage the MCG looked like a giant eyeball?)

Yep I know it was a pointless rant, but I felt like it and now having finished it I feel much relieved. Thank you fellow commonwealth (and not-so-commonwealth) sufferers.

I've been dead for a month.

Tue, 28 Feb 2006 21:29:57 GMT

Well I feel like I've been dead for a month and i havent had much contact with people for several reasons;

a) my mobile is screwed and wont make calls or stay on long enough to send texts most of the time. The battery runs out 5 minutes after charging, and most of the time it wont send the msgs cause it doesnt have enough signal.

b) the internet hasnt been working because we had a huge storm which wiped out all our computers and 5 tvs, which we only got replaced now (a month and a half after it happened)

c) I havent been home long enough to make a phone call for three weeks now. I leave at 10 when i wake up and come home at 1 or 2, if I come home at all, infact the last two weeks i've only spent two nights at home... mum's starting to get sick of it and so am i.

So I have some very important and very belated messages to get through:

Happy 18th Cecily Cecily! (now you can finally come and party with us)

Note: I want you to kkniow that of all the not sent through msgs so far this is the one i feel most guilty about being late. We've been friends fr almost well, 5 years and i havent been able to call or msg or say happy 18th get drunk! (when would you like to go out with me and get smashed up in an OVERAGE club?)

also, I have to say that I am VERTY VERY sorry that I havent been catching up with anyone for more than like 20 minutes at a time lately. Life is so hectic I just feel like I don't stop. I'm trying so hard to keep in contact but it's just ridiculous. Nikk Nikk, we need to go back to having thursdays, I have thursdays off from now on, so we definitely need to g back to having that, we also need to work out a way to see eachother one daya wekk in the big group... in some ways (like the loss of that contact) I wish it were as easy as going back to the years before we had our licenses.

I'm confused alot lately and i think thats another part of keeping busy, there are lots of things i dont want to think about, which undoubtly i am going t have to sooner or later, at the moment i'm in the process of trying to make it MUCH later. Tomorrow is my orientation party and its going to be nuts. I can't wait... meeting all those new people, seeing all the new things and learning truckloads, I just cant wait.

anyhow love to all, sorry about my absence... please forgive me cec and everyone else for being a lousy friend lately...

Love you all,

~Dandy_illusions

update time

Wed, 08 Feb 2006 07:13:10 GMT

Well hello again strangers.

I feel as though I havent chatted in ages? Well so much to comment on. Big Day Out, uni starting soon, work ending, friendships crumbling and repairing...

In the last week, I quit my job as a result of my dad's partial betrayal and his employee's horrid attitude. I also temperarily lost understanding in the world, and my best friend.

Next week I have to go into uni for 'o' week. I don't know how I feel about this.

The week before last was BDO which was very cool, though not enjoyable until recently, I always enjoy these things after they occur rather than at the time. Highlights have to be Kings Of Leon, whom I have now adopted as a love, Franz ferdinand which I love for their poppy everywhere feel and wolfmother who have become quite an obsession for me, suprising after my hatred of them at their falls gig, which strangely enough, I know see as a better gig than the BDO.

Life feels a little confusing for me right at the moment, I feel as though sickness and work have dragged me away from those I have always considered the closest of my close friends, I also feel a little confused with where I am in my life and the world and what exactly I should be doing.

I am thinking that this is a result of my recently started break. I havent had a break since the christmas break of 04. I started work as soon as I finished school last year and havent stopped till last week. It's confusing I don't know exactly what I should be doing.

In any case, signing off, for now...

xhugsx

enrolment day

Sun, 22 Jan 2006 20:49:15 GMT

So today is uni 'enrolment day' (sounds just a little militaristic)... i suppose to me that symbolises the end of my life as a highschool/teenage girl. Slightly scary, but incredibly exciting at the same time.

Everything seems to be about changing or moving up or on at the moment. Different phases of relatinships, friendships changing and evolving (sometimes disappearing) and so on. I think I'll be spending alot more time in the city from now on too. That's kind of exciting though. Bout time I got to know the city properly.

I hope this courase is what I dream it is. Whatever it is, it will definitely be a BLAST!

Look out RMIT, here I come...

Tue, 17 Jan 2006 08:22:25 GMT

I feel lost at the moment. There are so many paths laid in front of me, a few I want to take and a few I dont want to take at all.

I don't know what I want. I don't even know exactly what 'want' is. I love someone, he says he loves me, yet he doesnt talk to me and he seems so sad... isnt love all honesty and open? maybe thats just in movies...

So I went to falls...

Tue, 03 Jan 2006 10:30:18 GMT

So this new years I spent counting down the new year with the 'dandy-fucking-warhols!' and it was awesome. I had Matt, the dandys and somewhere around the place a few damn good friends, and thousands of mostly cool hippies to celebrate with.

My closest friends were in phillip island having a shit time (apparently) and although I loved (almost) every minute of falls, I can't help wishing I could have shared count down with them, shit or not.

Falls;

Was wonderful. Started with eye-sex* with IAN BROWN... yes... I had eye-sex with IAN BROWN *drool*.

*Eye-sex is when full eye contact is held with a participant (usually a famous person) and you share a 'moment' in which you feel as though both participants are undressing and/or seducing each other mentally.

Highlights: Little Birdy (Katy's SOOO HOT!), Dandys, IAN BROWN, Hoodoos, the Zutons and Cat Empire, Naturally the people I shared camp with.

Let Downs: Being in TOTALLY the wrong mood for Wolfmother even though I actually dont mind their music... in fact i quite like it (I was dancing round my house to it this morning BUT I was in the mood for Bob Marley and got AC/DC [figuratively speaking])
The Vibe... So many people had come back raving about falls that I couldnt help expecting more than I got. When people throw things at bands it infuriates me.. but NO-ONE should throw things at IAN BROWN! The WANKERS seemed to rule falls a little... which considering the hype disappointed me.
My Energy.. i couldnt survive past 2am no matter how much sleep I got.. I am always tired... am a little worried about this.

First thing I did when I got home? enjoyed a shower, then a bath and the luxuries of privacy, and a REAL toilet. (not to mention half decent food and a real bed)

Whats up now? Tomorrow I get my results from year 12. I am SHIT scared I'm going to fail. I don't want the phone call if i fail... maybe I dont want it at all, living in oblivion works for me, being in between school and uni works. No responsibility, no work, just fun... nothing to hang over me... no failure... maybe?

I have been falling asleep to Turin Brakes like I used to this time last year. Last year i did it to feel closer to you... this year i did it to feel safe as well... It reminds me of those days. Those first glorious months when the beach, and sneaking out of places, getting into trouble and hanging out were simple and never follwed by anger. Lately anger seems to engulf me... i can't feel it coming and I can't stop it.. I only notice it in the hurt look in your eyes and the sadness that overwhelms me following the event... Whats wrong with me? Someone let me know why I'm so tired and grumpy lately?

Tue, 13 Dec 2005 07:50:20 GMT

Oh goodness where do I start?

I've had a massive week. I think after school ended and I finished my one week break I managed to get myself a job with my dad and my license and I haven't stopped running around since. I've been working everyday and going to parties every other day. I think I have managed to run myself down again, my tell-tale over tired depressive moods are coming back on, with crying fits breaking out randomly and major clinginess taking over. I don't mind this so much except I think that people start to get sick of it after a while. especially Matt I'm afraid. I seem to be smothering him a little too much, which I don't want to do, I just need so much to be close to people right now, I feel so strangely unstable while I'm alone. I can't relax. I am constantly on edge and I can't sleep or lie still. I always need to be talking, hugging or just sitting with someone. I don't know why. I just feel so lonely and uncomfortable by myself lately. I don't think my recent dreams have been helping much... It's like I face all my fears in my dreams... people I don't feel comfortable around attack me in all the ways I fear from them sometimes due to their demeanor...

I'm sorry if I have been smothering everyone.. I can't guarantee it will stop though.. I depend on company so wholly at the moment.

I <3 Oasis!

Sat, 03 Dec 2005 01:56:40 GMT

Last night was undoubtably the best of my life so far. I cried, I laughed, I screamed, I drooled and I cried some more. I was standing on the barrier RIGHT infront of Noel! Although I prefer Liam of the brothers, I wouldnt have switched places for anything... watching Noel work his magic was incredible.. hypnotising. Oh my I don't think life can ever be the same again now and no gig can ever really measure up... I am a changed me and I like it... I will forever be a dedicated Oasis fan... (and secret wannabe groupie! heheh.)

freedom is never so sweet as seeing Oasis live from the front row and being eye to eye with Noel...

Murder me now and I would be almost completely happy...

Schoolies return.

Sun, 27 Nov 2005 10:28:22 GMT

Fuck.

Thats about all I can say about that week. It was full of tears, nudity, sexual and other tension and of course lots and lots of 'PISS'!!!

I managed to get totally wasted and half nude on the schoolies video which brett has in his possession as well as driving/organising several 'convoys' in which we were half or otherwise naked. It was great. I loved the time I spent with my friends I've realised how important so many of them are to me I never want to lose that!

Nikk Nikk; Thank you so much for everything you did for all of us you have no idea how much it means. I cant verbalise how close I feel to you and I cant wait for our 'date' (hehe dont tell mark!)

Brett: God what would I do without you to make me laugh at myself? Thanks for that Brett.

Miatt: i don't think any of this needs to be said, your gorgeous, we'll always be best friends, I am so glad you are happy, you deserve it! We really are becoming the one person... that must be confusing to the outside world. heheh.

Matt: I suppose this has been both a down and up point for us, we reached the bottom for a while there but I can definitely see the light at the end of the tunnel so to speak... I don't know what changed us, or even if we did change, but something is different and its exciting and new and perfect so maybe this is a new beginning? or maybe its the continuation of something great? In any case I love you xoxo

Roachie: Where do i start? how much has happened and how much will continue to happen? Good luck with it all darling, you know where I am if you need to talk, I've enjoyed talking to you. Love ya!

If I forgot someone, I didnt forget you i simply can't write about you all. I will post photomagraphs soon as I can as well as end-of-year and valedictory photographs. Love to you all, I'll catch up on what I've missed soon. Love!

FINISHED!

Mon, 14 Nov 2005 01:23:50 GMT

I am officially finished my school life. I am so lost. I got used to coming home from an exam to study for another.. now i dont have another. I have decided to play the sims for the afternoon. it was my favourite computer game in yr 10... which is the last time i played a computer game. god I'm gunna have fun. Tomorrow hopefully I'll be a licensed driver and hooning around to the beach wohoo!

I cannot wait to do EVERYTHING!

Tue, 08 Nov 2005 05:53:31 GMT

One week and I'm free... and maybe driving? (god save the world!!) I don't know quite what I will do with my new found freedom.

Nah that's a lie. I know exactly what I'm going to do.

1. Catch up sleep

2. Be an unruly 'schooly' for ten days (miohahaha!!)

3. Go out and explore the world of over-age-dom

4. Explore my surroundings till I run out of money.

5. Catch up with people I've had no time to see since exams hysteria started

Oh I cant wait... I'm going to go psycho. I'll ahve many many end-of-school photos soon... taking em all to get developed...hahah oh I'll miss everyone.

Love you all guys!!

Thu, 03 Nov 2005 04:52:38 GMT

I am sick of school... and exams.. two down and done ok.