| oh god I wish it were that simple... |
[Nov. 12th, 2006|07:04 pm] |
So it's been more than a little while..
updates you say? yes i'm a lazy shit head who has had so much personal shyte to deal with she hasnt bothered updating.
So in summary over the last 2 months I have:
* Turned 19
* Had 2 car accidents (neither my fault)
* Cried myself to sleep almost every night
* Got a full time job i hate but am amazing at
* Lost all sense of direction in life
* Fallen into a giant pit of confusion
* Suffered internal bleeding (been to hospital)
* Had my drink spiked
So as you can see it's been a rough one, but thats life.
You get to a point where you have to give up... or at least move on... you spend four months convincing yourself to do this, finally you get up the courage, meet the right person to help you and start doing it...
Then all your dreams from before, something you spent 6 months fighting with your life for comes true... and brings your whole slowly improving world crashing back down to the depressing and confusing mess it was before, only with new more intense complications.
So you were once so ready to settle down - devote your life to something/someone, the whole world infront of you... but maybe that something/someone wasn't quite ready for you... so you started losing direction, you waited for them, but you were getting left behind by life, you'd already failed uni and quit, you hated your job and started losing sight of reasons to live... bed seemed like a much more interesting place than anywhere else... you'd lived like that for 5 months, it was only two more till your birthday and you knew you couldn't go another year feeling/living this way so you resolve to move on before your birthday...
Turning 19 is easy, turning away wasn't but you start anyway... you knew you'd have to one day... but suddenly what you wanted, waited for, begged for is ready for you...
Yeah, exciting, yeah thrilling and a relief but at the same time... you feel too far away... too battered and bruised, you are nursing some hard core injuries and forever suddenly seems like a really long time.
I still dream about that future, i still beg for it and cry about it... but i can't sign up for forever at 19...
I also know i can't end that love... ever...
one day it will happen... I hope it's soon but i can't rush time, it slows and hastens as it wishes...
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